"I tried to fence off a bit of infinity for myself. It felt safe, manageable. Then I realised that fences in infinity serve only to fence you in." "Love silently whispers to me that it knows nothing of the word impossible." "If you choose always to be rational, yours will be a very meager ration." "You may begin to find that what you refer to as 'growth' is just a gradual process of unlearning what is not and remembering what is." "The bottom line is there is no bottom line." "If you can face emptiness despite your fear, you will discover Love. For emptiness is the no-place where mind stops judging and heart starts loving." "There was nothing to do. There was nothing to see. Bored out of my mind I touched love. Love was me." "The reason we are lost in confusion is because we reject the total fusion that is our Reality." "Reasons are not needed.<br />They are totally made up.<br />If you drop your need for reasons<br />You can drink from any cup." "I try never to take thought seriously. It totally ruins the enjoyment of it." "The pursuit of dreams is a great way of ensuring we remain soundly asleep." "They told me that life was a struggle and I made the mistake of believing them for far too long." "In the phrase 'things have been going from bad to worse', if you take the words 'bad' and 'worse' and replace them with the words 'giraffe' and 'sausage', things don't seem nearly as bad." "During the process of trying to make sense of things it became apparent that trying to make sense of things makes no sense. From that day forth I became sensibly nonsensical." "The genie said with a giggle that I could have whatever my heart desired. The cunning fiend knew all along that hearts desire nothing. "Right outside your door are countless wonderful things patiently waiting for you to step out of thought and take a look." "Great minds kept telling me 'who you are is the sum of your thoughts'. I had no wish to be a bunch of thoughts, so I just stopped adding them up." "They fill us up with 'knowledge'.<br />We forget we have a choice.<br />They feed us so much noise<br />That we can't hear our silent voice.<br />The good news is at any time<br />That 'knowledge' can be dropped<br />And this mental domination<br />Will be permanently stopped." "'Be like us and we'll like you!' they said. I chose Freedom and Love instead." "It is such a shame that Doctors of Philosophy hardly ever try to cure anyone from the disease." "A lover never keeps accounts." "To know that there is infinite choice and not to exercise it. Who could have imagined what joy that brings?" "I searched and searched for some problems but could not find any. Then an old man told me that problems cannot be found. We have to make them up." "After reading a number of 'self-help' books, one day I laughed out loud at the realisation that trying to help my self was the very thing preventing happiness." "If you think something is true, it isn't." "If life seems like a struggle, adjust your seems." "Through thought we can perfect the art of doing with ever greater efficiency things that don't need doing." "My dog does not need an excuse to love. My children don't need any reasons to be happy. Why should I?" "Hands up all those who think it is OK to tell social etiquette to f**k off. Please. Thank you." "Waiting for a reason to love and be happy is a bit like a dolphin waiting for a reason to swim and eat fish." "Must we use 'must'? Do things have to be? Or may we remain Unbounded and free?" "Trying to make Love into a contract is rather like trying to catch a hurricane in a shoe box." "All 'isms' are just an extension of egotism." "Not doing is looked down upon in our culture such that we use words like 'excuse' in place of 'reason for not doing'. Few question this maniacal obsession with doing, doing , doing. Consider for a moment that much of the time, nothing needs to be done and you don't need an excuse. Relax. Enjoy the view. The world will keep turning." "If your love requires effort, it is not love." "Little ego keeps making up problems and trying to convince me that they belong to me. Be quiet little ego. Tell your drama to the Drama Queen. Love is singing its song of freedom and effortless joy." "A young dog suffering from belief refuses to learn anything. An old dog free from belief will go on learning new tricks until the day he dies." "Thought keeps on thinking either / or. Reality is invariably neither / both. No wonder we get confused!" "I recently visited Hawaii. To the west was the Far East and to the east was The West. That's the kind of thing that always happens when you try to divide up a continuum using only two concepts." "Celebrate your perfectly wonderful imperfection. That is your uniqueness. That is the irreplaceable gift you bring to the world." "I am neither a pessimist nor an optimist. I simply don't bother with the future at all. Life is NOW!" "I don't have any possessions. A bunch of stuff just happens to live in the same flat as I do." "Truth is not something found, but something re-discovered. Sweep away all the crap you have accumulated on top of it and there it still is - incredibly simple, pure, undisturbed, just as it was in early childhood before the dust began to gather." "I remembered the joy of waking up as a young child, before I had been taught any reasons to be unhappy. I remembered the thrill of having no idea what was going to happen and yet having absolutely no fear." "However bad your situation may seem, it will seem considerably less bad if you stop bloody whingeing about it." "Matters of the heart are the only matters that matter." "One day, to my surprise, I saw clearly what LIEs as the centre of every beLIEf?" "Every single one of you carries unique genius which is lost behind a thick veil of so-called 'knowledge' imposed by formal education. The purpose of state education is to suppress this innate genius, because all governments know that genius cannot be governed." "When I find myself struggling with a serious problem, the first solution I always try is to stop taking it seriously. It turns out this works every time!" "She told me she was totally against discrimination, before going on to list which other things she thought were good or bad. I decided not to laugh out loud until after she had left." "Leave a small child alone with some dolls and see how quickly they start to animate and create stories with them. Leave them with some blank paper and some colours and see how quickly a picture is created. Creativity is the fulfillment of Being. Formal education systematically snuffs it out and replaces it with productivity. No wonder life can feel so unfulfilling." "If for just a few moments you can stop thinking about getting better, you will begin to realise that you have never been unwell." "Just for a day dare to live life without the comfort of pre-conceived ideas, knowledge and belief. Just for a day taste the infinite freedom and Love of Life with no opinion." "I keep hearing talk about 'God's love'. As if infinite Love can be possessed. As if an infinite god would bother about possession. Take away either one of the words and you get much closer to Truth. Take away both and there it is." "Priests and politicians never want anyone to actually be happy now. When someone is happy now, they have absolutely no need for priests or politicians. That is why priests and politicians go on encouraging you to dream of a brighter future, because that way they know you will never actually be happy, and they will always have power over you." "Just for a few days, try wanting to be who you already are and see how that feels." "The fact of the matter is that matter is not really a fact and facts do not really matter." "Sometimes people fall out with me, but it doesn't really matter as long as I don't fall out with them." "I think everyone should have the right to believe anything they wish. It makes no sense to deliberately restrict the number of ways you can be made to laugh out loud." "One of the main differences between children and adults is that children pretend and happily admit it, whereas adults pretend and pretend that they are not pretending." "When your either/or becomes neither/nor, you will find the key to the prison door." "I respect people's beliefs in the same way that I respect other types of comedy. The comedy is clearly absurd but the comedian is wonderful." "Folks keep telling me that I am living in a fantasy world. Absolutely I am! But so are they. The only difference is that I have realised it and they have not. And so, like a lucid dreamer, I can revel in the fantasy." "When in Rome, do whatever you want." "It's all very well encouraging me to believe in my self, but how am I supposed to decide which one?" "I perhaps should warn you in advance that if it is respect you seek to seek it elsewhere. I gave up respecting my self several years ago. I am hardly likely to take up the ridiculous game again to accommodate your pomposity." "And the more she tried to fix the world, the more she felt utterly broken." "Listen everyone, I have a Shiny Future for you. It is just around the corner. All you have to do is buy my book at an AMAZING discount price. Once and for all your problems will be solved. You may have bought similar books before, but this one is different. I really DO know how you can create that Shiny Future. Just look at my teeth! Now, step one, slowly open your wallet." "The main reason I chose to write for Happy Cow was because to my astonishment I realised that my entire life story was summed up by her eyebrows." "And the seventh of 12 and a half steps on the TRUE path to ENLIGHTENMENT is 8 months of intensive beer and elephant riding. That is beer drinking. Do not try to ride the beer. That won't work. Beer is not a vehicle. Anyway. Come back soon, I will publish the other steps as soon as I have made them up." "Just a very simple shift from searching for and believing others' nonsense to making up your own nonsense." "No-one can fool me with their bullshit, because for every bullshit they try to push as truth or fact, I can just make up a counter-bullshit which negates it. For every bullshit, there is an equal and opposite re-bullshit. Ah, sweet freedom." "She was seeking a happy ending in the endless and just could not understand why it never came." "They will remind you that your life is just not good enough and then offer you a fabulous solution. And for a while that solution may feel really good, like a blessed relief, but sooner or later relentless time will catch up with it and expose its delusional nature, and you will be left with just one more entry on your list of reminders to choose judgement instead of Love." "The notion of unlimited abundance is the best excuse for greed we have so far come up with." "Bullshit doesn't stop being bullshit just because you stop calling it religion and start calling it spirituality." "Bring me your pretension. Bring me your self-importance. Bring me your seriousness. Bring me your 'problems'. Bring me your self. Together we will laugh them away and become each other." "Tragedy is always the result of comedy not understood. And comedy is always the result of tragedy not taken seriously." "Left without any choice I let go my desperate fearful grip and realised I could fly." "The extent to which you take yourself seriously is the extent to which you will be faced with serious problems." "The notion that we become what we think is a bit like a child considering that (s)he becomes his or her Lego house." "And as the 'I' changes, the reflection changes. Revolution. Turmoil. Conflict. It is funny watching world politics. Nobody seems to notice it is just 'Meet the Fockers' on a slightly larger scale and without Dustin." "I used to think that I was loving, until I realised Love was meing." "On the contrary, I absolutely respect your right to think, write or talk as much bollocks as you care to make up." "She so badly wanted to hear that she was special, so I called my friend who sold used cars for a living." "No, of course there is nothing wrong with making up problems and then striving to solve them. How can there be? The concept 'wrong' is itself made up." "Sure, you can pretend that life is serious if you want to pretend that. It wouldn't be freedom otherwise." "Far too small to take hold of. Far too large to grasp." "This emptiness is so full." "I just got a phone call telling me that life is a struggle and one must strive to be happy. Sorry, folks, I hadn't checked my e-mails for a while. I promise I will get onto that as soon as I have finished enjoying myself." "Once you have gone crazy, don't consult psychologists or psychiatrists to give your crazy a definition and a name. They know nothing about your unique kind of crazy." "Trying to improve yourself or another through practice or teaching is a bit like trying to make a tree better at treeing by showing it a book about fish." "You imagine something and then you imagine lots of other things that appear to 'confirm' the first imagination. Carry on for long enough and this self-hypnosis will form a belief." "She was searching for something that would make the Earth move and did not take kindly to me reminding her that it is always moving at about 30km per second." "How splendid it would be if every community had, as well as a doctor, a practitioner who one could visit and be repeatedly told that there is absolutely nothing wrong at all." "'It is just a turn of phrase,' he said, without realising that the differences of each universe are created entirely by habitual turns of phrase." "This spectacular game of eternal ad lib never ceases to thrill and amaze." "If resistance is resisted it is persistently persisted." "Saying or thinking 'I am [insert anything here] is very similar to saying or thinking 'all black people are [insert anything here]'. Have a try at refraining from self prejudice, whether positive or negative, and see how it feels." "It is possible to please most of the people most of the time, but it requires a quite spectacular amount of lying." "Realising that it is just a ride does not in anyway mean one has to stop and get off." "Choosing to take thought seriously is like voluntarily walking into a prison cell and locking the door yourself." "Consider the progression of an artist's career as (s)he moves from fairly simple but still wonderful creations to more intricacy and complexity, subtlety and nuance. One might say the artist's career evolves. Now take a look at Life. What an utterly magnificent artist!" "If you are suffering from an illness, try praying to God, because he prefers medium sized organisms over tiny ones and so will be happy to ruthlessly kill thousands of pathogens on your behalf." "Logic is just imagination wearing blinkers." "One day I decided to spend a week defending the reputation of a medium sized beech tree that lives in the nearby woods, instead of the reputation of the human body which I commonly refer to as Swifty. It soon became readily apparent how ridiculous the whole thing is." "Sense is always a human thought fabrication. That is why we have to strive to MAKE sense. It isn't already there. If you prefer to get closer to Life rather than thoughts about life, it helps to just admit up front that you are talking nonsense." "Only after discarding all BELIEF was I then free to BE LIFE." "Being disappointed with your self doesn't really matter all that much once you realise that self is just made up. It is a little bit like being disappointed with leprechauns." "One day a good friend took me aside and said: 'Maybe you should stop looking for your soul mate and start looking for your soul, mate.'" "Do not look to anyone for answers, for those that have found the key, they will throw you back to yourself, again and again and again and again, until finally you realise, every question has no substance." "Just ask. Just for a few minutes. What does Love really mean? Not what Hollywood says. Not what the Good Book says. Not what TV and advertising and magazines say. Answer yourself. Look deeply. What does it really mean? Just ask. Just once. Really ask. Your life will never be the same again." "It never ceases to amaze me what people can get themselves to believe just to avoid taking full responsibility for their lives." "Love delights in endlessly playing with itself, or to put that in terms major religions might understand, God is a total wanker." "In life there are extroverts and introverts. Extroverts tend to treat introverts as if they are ill and try to 'fix' them. Speak up more! Go out more! Blow your own trumpet more! Be like us! Be like us! A little tip for all the pushy extroverts: FUCK OFF!" "The Cosmic Irony is that once you reach the level of consciousness at which you actually have any power to change your world, you will simultaneously realise that nothing needs changing at all. Like all the best jokes, this one makes you laugh out loud." "One day I decided to stop coming to conclusions about Life. The moment I did so, it became very clear that Life will never come to a conclusion either." "A million steps to dance to nowhere. A million words to say nothing at all. A million answers to pointless questions. Merrily answering Nature's call." "Thoughts are like bricks with which we build the wonderful houses that we call our lives. There are all kinds of bricks. There are all kinds of houses. There is no need to say 'these bricks are true' or 'this house is true, those other houses are false'. We can all just happily state 'this is my house and I love it'." "Don't follow me for I am going nowhere. Believe me not for I have no knowledge. But if you wish, we can dance a while and taste the ecstasy together." "I'll be happy if..... I'll be happy when..... never now, always then. Then I will love..... then I'll be free....... when the world starts turning just for ME!!" "She was on an infinite journey but still kept asking the question: 'Are we nearly there?'" "Whenever someone uses the word 'obviously', you can usually guess that what they are about to say will not be obvious in any way." "A one track mind is still a one track mind, even if that track is lined with flowers." "Sometimes I find myself chastised for 'never saying anything constructive'. As far as I can see, existence has already been constructed and all people do is just shuffle about shuffling bits of it about." "Madness is just sanity with more imagination." "All thought is equally absurd, but the funniest thoughts are those absurd thoughts that take themselves seriously. Warm thanks to all those serious clowns out there for all the belly laughs!" "No, yes. Yes, no. Round and round and round we go. Wheeeeeeeeee!" "How far left is up?" "Of course it all ultimately has no meaning at all. That is what leaves us infinitely and totally free to make up whatever we like. An infinite blank canvas." "The moment you realise that no opinion or perspective is true or right, infinite perspectives become immediately available." "How many different directions can be taken from an infinitesimal point?" "In Life, just as on a mathematical graph, the zero point is the origin." "For many years I tied myself in tighter and tighter knots by trying to mean what I said." "Every now and then I read one of my own articles to find out what the hell it is I have been banging on about." "Buzzing around the thought hive there are these<br />Supposed To Bees and Meant To Bees<br /><br />Making us feel a distinct unease<br />The Got To Bees and The Ought To Bees<br /><br />Teasing us all they are able to tease<br />The Want To Bees and The Need To Bees<br /><br />Threatening to sting if we do as we please<br />Those naughty guilt-mongering Have To Bees" "Positive thinking is like picking up a wonderfully complex novel which you yourself have written and deciding to tear out and throw away half the pages." "Nose elf definition is valid." "And suddenly she was totally free, free from the sickness for good. People came and she wanted to explain but words could not. Even if she had been able to, all the people wanted was for her to tell the story of the sickness over and over and over." "He wanted me to join his professional network and could not understand when I reminded him that I am and always will be a total amateur." "Life astonishes me again and again and again ...... " "It seems I am dreaming a dream about seeming. The dream weaver weaves seems. The seem weaver weaves dreams." "The yin to the yang and the yang to the yin, cosmic harmony waves as we stand here and sing." "One of the more surprising things about Truth is, it isn't true." "Someone just suggested that I spend half an hour this morning praying for Humanity. Why not? Perhaps the other 998,778,543,977 folks who have tried it just weren't doing it right." "Life can be a bit like playing Super Mario. You strive and strive to get to the next level, only to realise that the next level is just a load more striving and striving." "Moving into Love, you cannot take anyone with you. You cannot even take you with you." "Young love wants to possess the other. Mature love wants to set the other free. Crazy love wants a chicken with a hat on." "Philosophy is rather like attending a play and speaking so loudly about your views on it that the actors' voices are drowned out." "I would love to start messing around with spiritual practices, but I haven't even mastered any practical practices yet." "Right. OK. No-one understands you. I got it. Now, can we please get on with making a purple mashed potato donkey?" "'I think you may have a condition we call 'Attention Deficit Disorder',' said the psychologist.<br />'Sorry, what?' I asked.<br />'I said: I think you may have a condition we call 'Attention Deficit Disorder',' he repeated.<br />'Did you know that the wrinkles on your forehead look a bit like the sea-front at Clacton on a stormy day?' I enquired." "Some time ago I decided to stop using humility as an excuse for not being fucking brilliant." "Why not refrain from adding Ms on the end of what IS?" "There is really no point asking me what I will be doing tomorrow or next week. I never find out what it is I am going to be doing until just after I have done it." "I take care not to let insanity fool me into thinking that I am sane." "When I mention Love, please don't make the mistake of thinking I am referring to SHINY SHINY GOOD GOOD." "She was looking for Love and made the rather remarkable decision to restrict her search to one half of only one species." "A star may seem to last a long time, but in the context of eternity, it is just a firework." "'I don't usually invite strange me up to my room," she said.<br /> <br /> 'That's OK,' I replied. 'I don't usually pretend I am the Eiffel Tower, but it doesn't mean I have ruled it out as an option.'" "You're offended, you say? Ah, congratulations! Do feel free to give yourself a nice shiny 'I Am Offended' medal. Now, what was that nonsense you were just saying again?" "I seem to keep hearing folks banging on about having fun all the time. Fun, fun, more fun! Go out! Have fun! Well, just between you and me, I tried having fun when I was younger. It wasn't much fun." "I used to be able to remember things. Or maybe I didn't ........" "'May your days be joyful and prosperous,' said the priest. 'They might be,' I conceded." "Total freedom is disagreeing with everything. No it isn't." "Sometimes I like to take my girlfriend, my daughters and my dog out into the countryside so that we can be at six with nature." "'What do you mean?' she asked.<br /> 'I have no idea, I haven't heard what I am going to say yet,' I replied." "One day back in 1997 I read in the newspaper an article entitled: '12 Ways In Which Alcohol Can Ruin Your Health'. I immediately decided to give up reading." "I went to see one of those Regression Hypnotherapists, as I fancied finding out who I was in a former life. Turns out I was everyone." "Teachers, teachers, everywhere, not any drop to teach." "If searching for objective truth, just go and ask a few objects. Every one of them gives the same answer." "I tried out various ideas - All is One, All is a half, All is 0.32786. Eventually I came to the conclusion that perhaps it isn't a number after All." "I followed my bliss for about three months and nothing happened at all. If anything things got worse. I had to laugh when I eventually realised that it was Dave from three doors down the road's bliss." "We reached the end of the rather dull meeting and before concluding the proceedings, the Chair asked, "Is there anything else outstanding?"<br /> <br /> 'Yes," I answered. "My dancing.'" "'Why are you trying to build this spacecraft?' I asked them.<br /> <br /> 'So that we can travel through space!' was the answer.<br /> <br /> 'But we are already travelling through space.' <br /> 'Yes, but we would like to do it much more slowly on a much smaller craft that only supports a few people and runs out of fuel a lot more quickly.'" "My dad was a bit of a Christian and we used to say Grace before family meals. I must have asked The Lord to make us truly thankful at least a few hundred times, and still the best He's managed is kind of half-arsed thankful. That's just shoddy deitying if you ask me." "Trying to teach Love is a bit like trying to get the steam from your kettle to spell out the words to Old Macdonald Had a Farm." "They tried to get me to march, but I insisted on keeping my month options open." "My research suggests that so far Egypt is the only country to have its own funny walk. Some armies have tried it in other countries, but nowhere else is there a National Daft Ambulation. Is it any wonder the world is in turmoil?" "I was cooking this microwave meal. It said 'cook on full power for three minutes, shake gently, then cook on full power for two minutes'. So in between the cooking times I got someone to tickle the small of my back." "As I stood up from my chair, there were some very audible clicks from my once youthful joints.<br /> <br /> 'Ooooh, your knees are cracking,' she said.<br /> <br /> 'Thanks, love, your tits are marvellous as well,' I returned the compliment." "I had an out of body experience once. Haven't managed to get back in as yet." Swifty Flame-Anderson