"What work I have done I have done because it has been play. If it had been work, I shouldn't have done it."
"A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval."
"A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar."
"A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation."
"Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often."
"Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand."
"All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure."
"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured."
"Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary."
"Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today."
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
"But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?"
"Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities."
"Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain."
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
"Don't let schooling interfere with your education."
"Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned."
"Familiarity breeds contempt - and children."
"Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't."
"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
"God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board."
"Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person."
"Humor is mankind's greatest blessing."
"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened."
"I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places."
"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up."
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."
"It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand."
"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so."
"It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them."
"It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions."
"It is not best that we should all think alike; it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races."
"It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense."
"Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation."
"Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to."
"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
"Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat."
"Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed."
"Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough."
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
"The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time."
"The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year."
"The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it."
"The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
"The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane."
"The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven."
"The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice."
"There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy."
"There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice."
"Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others."
"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."
"What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before."
"What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself."
"When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear."
"When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not."
"When in doubt tell the truth."
"When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself."
"When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn."
"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."
"When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain."
"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."
"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved."
"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."
Mark Twain