[Chair] "I have called this meeting of the All Due Respect Investigation Committee as we have finally reached a point at which both Team A and Team B are ready to report their findings. As you know, this committee was formed to work out exactly how much respect is due when folks say "with all due respect". The audits have been completed and now I invite the representatives of each team to present their findings. Can we please have a big hand for Clive from Team A." [Big hand withheld]
[Clive] "Ha ha! Yeh. Wotcha. All right? Anyway."
[Chair] "Welcome Clive, please go ahead and present your team's findings."
[Clive] "Cheers, gaffer. Well, I haven't done any slides or anything but, well, suffice to say, er. OK, I'll just come out with it. Team A have concluded that no respect whatsoever is due to anyone. To be honest, during the audit, we discovered there really isn't anyone. Sounds daft, but we checked a few times. Not a single solitary soul. All false accounting the whole shebang. So, in the light of that, the rest of the investigation kind of wound up. I mean, who is there for any respect to be due to?"
[Chair] Thank you, Clive. You can sit down now. [Smattering of applause]
[Several] "Nice one Clive. Well done, mate. Whatevs."
[Chair] "OK! Bit of a downer there from Clive. But never mind! OK. Team B will be represented by Roger. Roger, please make your way up to the stage." [Loud applause. Cheering] [Roger uses hand gestures to urge the crowd to be quiet.]
[Roger] "Mister Chairperson. Esteemed friends and colleagues. Members of the most wonderful journalism profession. Thank you, thank you for giving me this opportunity to present to you the results of the incredible and painstaking efforts of the members of my most fantastic team. A short video will soon be shown, which was created by Sally. Are you out there, Sally? Please stand up, Sally." [Sally stands up and receives a round of applause]
[Roger] "Amazing work, Sally, as everyone will soon see. Thank you, Sally. Before I start the video, I will summarise the findings of Team B, or 'The Chosen Ones' as we like to refer to ourselves. During our investigation we discovered that an infinite amount of respect is due to each and every one of you. Each and every one of you is, in effect, the entire universe. Some of the figures showed that you are perhaps infinite universes. Maybe even infinite universes run over and over again eternally. Frankly, the respectometers just couldn't handle the data. So, I could wax lyrical here all day about how incredible you really are, and I wouldn't even knock off a tiny fraction of all due respect. To be honest, it is a bit embarrassing to be stood in front of you all and not be able to come close to conveying the immense esteem in which you are all held. So, without further ado, over to the incredible Sally's video."
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