One day a little while ago, this elephant phoned me up and asked if I still did personal training. I thought about it for a few moments, and then thought: well, not really, but I could use a bit of extra money, so I'll do a bit on the side. So we set up an appointment.

I arrived early at the office so that I could spread a bit of straw about the place and make sure there were no small white mice scurrying around. I think it's good to create a comfortable environment for these first consultations. The meeting was at 0930 and the elephant arrived promptly.

"So, Mrs Theelephant...."

"Please, call me Nelly."

"OK, then. So, Nelly, how do you think I may be able to help you?"

"Well, Doc, it's my weight, you see. I'm just not happy with it."

"I'm not a doctor. But please, do carry on."

"Right. Well, coach, I've tried everything. Eating fewer peanuts. Marching in a big long line with other elephants. Shifting massive piles of logs around three times a week. But it's no use. I still look like the back end of a bus. Especially if I paint my arse red and stick a number plate on in with No More Nails."

"Well, you don't look overweight to me, Nelly. Perhaps that's why you are finding it difficult, because you have reached your natural weight."

"But all my friends are so slim! Long slender legs, firm bodies, long thin necks and cute little button noses as well!"

"Hmm. Yes. They're not giraffes by any chance, are they?"

"Well, yes they are, but I don't see what that's got to do with it."

"Well now, Nelly. I can help you achieve a more healthy lifestyle and improve your fitness, but I'd be telling porkies if I told you I could make you look like a giraffe. You see, everyone is a certain body type. There are ectomorphs who are very slim, endomorphs who are voluptuous and mesomorphs who are athletic and muscular. Then there are elephants who I'm afraid are pretty much exclusively very large and grey with floppy ears and a big long nose. I think you need to accept that and learn to love the shape you are."

"Oh, for goodness sake. I don't have to listen to this. You're as bad as the rest."

And off she went with a trumpety trump. Trump trump trump.

There's just no pleasing some folks.

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