Dear Ben

Thank you for your letter. Your situation sounds like a very difficult and frustrating one.

I will begin by addressing the question that you asked at the end of your letter. You asked: 'Can people just fall out of love?' I think the popular notion of 'falling in love' or 'falling out of love' is somewhat misleading. It makes us think of love as something that just happens to us one day out of the blue without any action on our part. I would suggest that to love is always a choice. Some individuals inspire us to express the love that is naturally inside all of us. These will very often be the people to whom we are attracted when it comes to searching for a romantic relationship. But love always starts within us and it is when we let down our defences and choose to express that love that we feel the freedom and elation that is often called being 'in love'.

It seems clear that your wife is currently experiencing a lot of mental turmoil and anyone in such a position will find it very difficult to express any love at all. When faced with circumstances which we find unpleasant (in your case perhaps almost unbearable), we always have two choices. We can either aim to change the circumstances, or we can aim to change how we think about the circumstances. You cannot directly change another individual, however well meaning your intentions or however much you want to. You cannot and should not try to change this situation by getting your wife to change her behaviour. It is up to her to decide to change if and when she is ready to. That leaves you with two options. If you really cannot stand the situation any longer, then you can choose to leave the relationship. If you do not wish to do that, then you need to change the way you think about the situation. You are not responsible for your wife's happiness. She is. You are responsible for your own happiness and it does not have to be dependent on her behaviour. If you take care of your own happiness and continue to choose love every day, then you will be in the best position you can possibly be to take care of your children and to maintain an atmosphere of unconditional love in which your wife may be able to resolve her mental turmoil and be able to express love once more.

Your letter seems to imply that this difficult situation is something that just happened suddenly one day. Are you sure this is the case? Was everything really totally happy one day and then suddenly as you describe it the next? Or is it possible that there has been a gradual deterioration over time which for one reason or another you have overlooked? Perhaps your wife has a way of communcating her feelings which you do not understand and perhaps her present silence is a form of exasperation at being unable to communicate effectively with you up until now.

It is important for you to communicate your feelings and not to bottle them up. Even if your wife will not talk to you, you could write her a letter explaining how you feel and how you would like things to be. There is no guarantee that she will read your letter, but even if she does not, writing it will help you to acknowledge and understand your own thoughts and feelings yourself. If your wife is willing to read your letter and responds in any way, take the time to really listen to everything she has to say. Do not judge anything. Do not try to fix anything. Just listen with loving patience and acceptance.

I hope that together you can manage to resolve things so that you can all look forward to a brighter future in which you can enjoy the happiness which we all deserve.

Much love to you,

Happy Cow

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