Dear Happy Cow

Despite my my many attempts to salvage it, I fear my marriage has been destroyed by depression, jealousy, control and eventually violence. I love my husband dearly but I have finally reached the end of my tether. I will be honest and admit that I have veered from home. After 16yrs of devotion, never an incling of adultery - I never thought it was possible for me to actually make the move to meet, be physical, hugged, kissed and ultimately touched by another, However, I have now.

As yet I have not slept with this person, but I have met him a good few times over the past say 3 months.

I have the worst conscience ever and suffer inwardly with this choice daily (crying out to confess all to my husband but I made that even harder by letting myself be led away by someone a little too close to home). Oh, God I am so crap!

This person after a short a time has started to declare falling in love with me intentions and I just can not return those feelings now and I fear ever, not with anyone - my husband or another. I have explained this but think I have made a bed that I really don't wish to lay in. I stay as the wife and dutiful mother as this is where I belong but another part of me has had to try and fight back from near death (mind, body and soul) and that part sought love and affection elsewhere and got it.

I have spent my life believing in LOVE and its unifying and healing qualities but I do not WANT to LOVE anyone - I fear love now and can not bare to deal with the TRUE love ever again - it nearly destroyed me altogether - it won't happen again, I will not let it! I adore so many people in my life, this will never change but the kind of love that lasts a lifetime - the commitment of solely being devoted and giving wholeheartedly to a lover - dies with me the day my true love hated me so much he was compelled to try and take all that I am and destroy it.

I never meant for this to happen, but I did allow myself to drift away/be led away. So now I feel I am a split personality. One part of me is the committed wife that wishes her life at home had not seen such trauma and loves the person she chose to be her husband. The other part is the woman that looks and longs for how she really should be treated with the love, respect and tenderness she feels she deserves. I am not a person who wishes for much - no treasures or materialistic issues. All I needed was a mutual respect for who I am as a person and to care for me. To leave my husband for some reason feels a betrayal and yet my head was stole away by another and ultimately I am betraying him now, with all that he has accused me of the past four years. I am officially a grade 1 bitch!

I know that I suffer my consequences with my inner guilt and ultimately torment and judge myself more than any other could, but still I have continued to meet this other person...why?..no idea! I know it's wrong and isn't helping - even right up to the point of leaving the house to meet but somehow I cross the threshold and I arrive at the planned destination!

I don't really know what my question is to you, I feel so low right now. I guess I just needed someone to offload to.

Jane, Glasgow

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