Dear Happy Cow
Since my last letter to you I have asked my husband to leave. He has a few weeks to get some money together for a
deposit on a new place. I have never been cynical about love and such things but in truth... I am now
thinking I could never go into another relationship after all that has happened. I'd be too scared to trust
anyone not to turn on me half way through! I have the capacity to love friends and family but the love you
carry inside you for that extra special someone has been all used up and in truth, if I am blatantly honest
with you, I don't want to give mine again. It's too precious and people just don't look after such things anymore.
I gave 16 years of mine unconditionally for it to be trampled, used, beaten and screwed up and thrown away. Still
to this day, he declares undying love - well I have to protect myself now and that means (for me at least) shut
down and lock away love and throw away the key - never to be retrieved!
What I fear most for myself is that I will need the intimacy and connection with another and I dread that I
might start throwing hmy love around in a physical manner to replace my need for the real deal. It is such a
scary time in my life I am 36, have 2 children and the love of my life from when I was just a young girl has
destroyed a love that I truly gave. 100% in and unequivacably thought was eternal! Have to say I have never
felt so alone or disconnected in this life ever! I heard this in a film yesterday and it is very much how I
feel at the moment:
"As a child all I ever wanted to do was be an adult and all grown up - Now I am an adult and can do as I wish
and have never felt so childlike and vunerable in my life!"
It maybe isn't word for word but it is exactly as I feel. God knows what my kids must think of me at the moment
and how the hell am I to be any use to them as I am! What a complete idiot I must sound.
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