Dear Leigh

Thank you for sharing your dilemma with us. It seems that you are getting a little mixed up between judging the behaviour of your fellow human beings and judging or labelling them as individuals. If you were to condemn this man and label him as 'bad' for the rest of his life because of the behaviour that has been reported to you, that would be one thing. But there is no reason why you should not listen to your intuition when it raises feelings of suspicion within you about another individual's current behaviour. Your intuition is a powerful source of knowledge that is not available through normal perception using the five senses. There is also no reason why you should not take steps to let other individuals know when you think their current behaviour is unacceptable to you. They will then be able to decide whether they wish to change their behaviour in the light of this information.

It is important for you to help your daughter realise that there very certainly are people in this world who engage in behaviour which is harmful both to themselves and to others. It is also important for her to understand that she should not judge a book by its cover. Just because someone appears to be 'a nice man' does not necessarily mean that they will definitely not do something that is far from nice. You mentioned that you spoke to her in an authoritarian way and got a reaction which was not quite what you were hoping for. I would suggest that this is very likely to happen whenever you take an authoritarian approach. What we resist persists. It is a very difficult thing for parents to do, but we have to let our children make their own mistakes and learn their own lessons in life. Perhaps a more successful approach would have been to remind your daughter that there are dangerous people in the world, that many of these people may well appear on the surface to be innocent and then to let her know that you trust her to make the judgement which is right for her in the light of that knowledge.

It may well be that this man's motivation is entirely innocent. It may be that he has no idea that his actions are causing you (and probably other parents) concern. But if his behaviour is a source of discomfort in your life, you have the right to let him know that, so that he can review his own behaviour in the light of that information. It may well be that once he realises that what he is doing is causing stress within families, he will stop doing it voluntarily. If you do not feel safe or comfortable approaching the man on your own, then perhaps you could ask another local parent or a friend to accompany you. You could also approach the Police and explain the situation to them. If he has not violated any laws, then he will simply be spoken to by the Police and perhaps gain some insight into the consequences of his actions and their effects on other people.

I hope you manage to resolve your discomfort soon. Perhaps you could buy or rent the film Pinocchio, which covers this topic rather well in a manner which is easily digested by children.

Much love to you,

Happy Cow

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