Dear Nick

Thank you very much for your letter. I am sure many people have experienced difficulties similar to the ones you describe.

Whenever we have strong negative feelings about an individual or a situaion, we should always begin by looking at ourselves and our own thoughts about that person or situation. You are entirely responsible for your feelings. You create them with your thoughts. It is interesting to note that you said in your letter that one of your sisters seems to be perfectly relaxed about the situation with your father and his new girlfriend. This clearly shows that it is not the situation itself which is inherently bothersome, but your individual perception of it. You can change your perception and therefore change your feelings if you so wish. Your feelings are your responsibility, not your father's, or his girlfriend's.

Ask yourself why you are putting such a negative slant on the situation. You describe your father's new partner as domineering. But only your father can tell us whether he is happy or unhappy with this situation. It is quite possible that your father likes the characteristics that you describe. He may be pleased to have some decision-making taken out of his hands. He may perceive it as his new partner advising him how to dress well and suggesting places to go that he doesn't know about. He may be pleased to be able to relax and take a back seat in such matters. One would assume that if your father is not happy in the relationship, then he will take steps to change or end it. He is, after all, a grown adult with a lot of life experience. You may very well be projecting negativity onto this relationship which neither of its participants experience at all.

Your wanting to spend more time with your father alone is really a separate issue. If you don't wish to discuss this with him in front of his new partner, then why not try writing a letter explaining your feelings and asking if he can set some time aside to spend with you alone. I cannot see any reason why such a request would hurt a father's feelings. I'm sure most would be delighted. Anyway, as mentioned earlier, you are not responsible for other people's feelings. They are. It is much better to be open and honest about how you are feeling and what you want, so that your father can respond accordingly, rather than to keep quiet about it so that he has no idea that there is something you want. You could also use the opportunity to express anything else you wish to tell your father, which we often find difficult in the rush of day to day living. Open and honest communication is always the best option.

No doubt you have a great deal of love for your mother and it is very often difficult for children to watch as someone apparently takes one parent's place in the life of their other parent. But it is important to understand that your father's new partner is not taking the place of your mother. This is a completely different phase of his life. Life continually evolves and we have to let it do so. Resistance to this natural process always causes us pain. I have no doubt that your mother played a very important role in your father's life and that their relationship helped both of them grow to become who they are today. Of course, it also led to the creation of three wonderful new lives. But that phase of their lives has now come to an end and they both now have different wants and different lessons to learn.

Love your father. Love and respect his choices. His life choices are for him to make.

Much love to you,

Happy Cow

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