Dear Samantha

Thank you very much for sharing your feelings with us. I am sure that to do so will have taken a lot of courage.

It is very important for you to understand that you are not responsible for anyone else's feelings or state of mind, ever. Each of us is entirely responsible for our own feelings and no-one else's. This may sound a little selfish at first, but the way to achieve the best possible relationship with everyone in your life is to ensure that you are experiencing joy as often as possible. Then everyone you encounter (including your husband) will be lifted simply by your presence. I do not mean that you should walk around with a cheesy grin on your face and dance a happy jig in front of your husband. He may well feel annoyance at that! I am encouraging you to work on making sure that you feel joy and happiness inside as often as possible. Some of that will inevitably rub off. We cannot help someone else to feel better directly, no matter how much love we feel for them, or how much we want to.

It is also important to understand that loving somebody does not mean you have to blindly accommodate every thought pattern or behaviour that they engage in. Quite the contrary. Imagine that your husband was physically harming himself. Would the right thing to do be to accept that behaviour and raise no objections because you think this is what unconditional love requires? I think not. Your situation is the same, the only difference is that your husband is harming himself mentally. It is quite possible to love him but oppose this destructive pattern. Indeed, love requires that you oppose this destructive pattern.

Unfortunately, many conventionally trained doctors help to perpetuate depression by encouraging their patients to consider it an 'illness' which just 'happens to them'. They try to treat it by prescribing drugs which target the symptoms (e.g. low serotonin) rather than the cause (habitual negative thought patterns). The drugs suppress our natural emotions which are there for a very good reason and should be listened to, not suppressed. The feeling of depression is a clear signal which should be heeded. It is saying to us: 'Something is wrong! Change something!'

If we use drugs to suppress this natural signal, we are like the captain of a ship that is heading towards the rocks who has put on a blindfold so that he cannot see the lighthouse.

It is in the interests of profit-chasing drug companies to encourage the widespread use of anti-depressants. They have engaged in a massive propaganda campaign in recent years to persuade both doctors and the public that their drugs are the magic answer to any kind of negative emotion. But consider this: it is also in their interest to make sure that patients do not ever fully recover, so that they have to keep buying the drugs all their lives.

The only way anyone can escape depression is by realising that they created it themselves in the first place by making bad thought choices, which eventually became habitual. When they realise this, they can immediately regain their personal power by making different choices, by taking control of their thoughts, by challenging the habitual ones which have led them to depression and by replacing them with new empowering thoughts. This is not easy. It will take some effort and persistence. However, while someone is encouraged to think that depression is not their responsibility, they are never going take the action necessary to break free. It is much easier to play the victim and blame life for being unfair.

You should be careful not to directly confront or resist your husband's thoughts about his condition. What we resist persists. However, you can raise questions whenever you hear the voice of depression speaking through your husband. Remain loving and listen. The voice is not who he is. It is just a thought pattern. Never agree with that voice, but do not condemn it either, as this will only entrench its position. You can simply ask questions in a calm, loving and caring way. You can encourage your husband to understand that the voice in his head is expressing just one of many possible opinions which he could choose to listen to.

Most of all, as I said at the beginning, the best way to help your husband, your children and yourself is to do whatever you can to ensure that you are expressing unconditional love and experiencing the pure natural joy that this always brings as often as possible. Lead by example. Be love. Be joy. Then your mere presence will make a great difference. Not only that, but every other relationship in your life will automatically be enhanced too!

Everyone wins.

Much love to you,

Happy Cow

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