Dear Under the Thumb

Thank you for your letter. I'm sure that many people find themselves in a similar position and being brave enough to share your experience will be of great help to them.

I once read a marvellous book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. In it he sets out four principles to live by which, if adhered to, have the potential transform many people's lives for the better. One of the principles is this:-

"Don't take anything personally."

When someone feels the need to pick on or bully another individual, it is never really about the individual being picked on, but about the bully. All bullies are trying to compensate for a deep sense of inadequacy that they are feeling. They try to make themselves feel important by attempting to dominate and control other individuals. This gives them a brief respite from their feelings of inadequacy, but the feelings soon return, so the bullying has to continue. If you understand this, it is possible to actually feel sympathy for the individual who you think is picking on you. She is struggling internally and is unhappy. If she were happy, there would be no need at all for her to engage in such behaviour. You do not have to take any of this personally. It is not really about you.

Also, you need to ask yourself whether you agree with her. Are any of the things she says to you actually true? Do you agree with any of them, perhaps just a little bit? If you do not, then you can simply completely ignore them and concentrate on living your life the way you see fit. Other people's words can only hurt us if somewhere inside we agree (or partly agree) with them. If you are sure that you conduct yourself well at work, then it really doesn't matter what your manager thinks. She is mistaken, so you can ignore her views. If you do agree with her on any level, then of course you can take steps to change your conduct until you are completely happy with it. What she thinks is irrelevant. The only thing that is important is what you think about yourself and your conduct.

Imagine a seven-foot tall man. Someone comes up to them and calls them 'shorty'. Is the seven-foot tall man going to be hurt by the comment? Of course not. The comment is ridiculous. He knows for certain that he is not short. He will just dismiss the comment completely, or laugh it off as an ironic joke. This is the same thought pattern you can have if you are completely certain that you are conducting yourself well at work. You can see the bullying attempts as ridiculous, and just laugh them off. Even if the man in our scenario were four feet tall, he could still laugh off the comment just by being certain that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being four feet tall.

Another bonus that you will gain from ignoring her is to completely remove any temporary satisfaction she gets from trying to bully you. All bullies are trying to get some kind of reaction out of the person they are bullying. If you do not react at all, ever, they will very quickly get bored of picking on you. You render them completely impotent. When you react, you feed the bully. You give them just what they want.

Never react to others or to unforseen circumstances. Do not react, ACT! Conduct your life and your work the way that you see fit at all times. That way you decide what your life is going to be like. You are the captain of your own ship.

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Shakespeare, Hamlet

Good luck and much love to you,

Happy Cow

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