[This article was kinkdly shared with us by Happy Cow's good friend and Life Achievement Facilitator, Jodene Shaer. It was originally part of her April Newsletter, which you can view in its entirity online by clicking here. The newsletter contains further comment by Jodene on this piece. You can also sign up to receive Jodene's marvellously inspiring and free newsletters in your e-mail inbox every month by clicking here.]
I lied to someone special!
They asked me a direct question and as I raised the wine glass to my lips to buy myself some time and contemplate my response, my Ego and Soul went into debate. This person did not ask me as simple questions, like if I was enjoying the overly dry wine they had brought as a gift for me. Sometimes we lie about how good a friends cooking is, or we talk behind their back about their poor taste in partner when we have told them the opposite and more often than not, we lie about how we truly feel. Those lies, although still hiding our true selves, might have been acceptable.
However, this question was a little more important than that and one I have been asked before, with less than favourable responses. I pondered the times when I had told my truth and felt the tension and a dozen reasons to lie begin to build.
I have a friend who is a liar, but he has a medical condition. I do not!
After this experience, I can confirm that no one lies totally unconsciously. We all have a debate that goes on in our heads before the words roll off our tongues. It might only seem a split second, but it is long enough for the dialogue between the Ego and Soul to make it clear that every word is a choice. Just in case you need reminding - both the Ego and Soul love you equally and both only want to you feel safe, loved and protected. However, they are protecting you from very different things. The Ego does not want you to feel the pain of the world and tries anything to keep you safe from making choices, taking risks or telling the TRUTH.
The Soul does not want you to miss out on chances to grow and face the challenges of life that will ultimately send a flood of reward for your bravery and coaxes you to make choices, take risks and tell your TRUTH.
So, with the question posed, the dialogue began:
Ego spoke first, "Lie!" it said
"How will the lie serve you?" Responded Soul
"It will protect me from humiliation or embarrassment, depending on their reaction."
"So you know their reaction?"
"It is not the first time I have found myself having to show my true colours and I know the past reactions." Argued Ego
"So, you are merely ashamed of your uniqueness then? You have no pride in the choices you have made in your life?" asked Soul
"It did not go too well the last time I told the truth, or have you forgotten the tears and pain I suffered?"
"Are you afraid of pain and tears, even after you can reflect on your life with such pride for who you are today thanks to that very suffering?"
"I cannot risk feeling that pain again. I will not handle another rejection when they walk away from me."
"When?" asked Soul curiously
"Yes, if I tell the truth, they will walk away. They have in the past." Snapped Ego
Soul loving questioned "If they do respond unfavourably to your truth, are they worthy of knowing you?"
"I am not about to take that risk. I am too afraid of losing them. Besides that, if they walk away it leaves me unhealed. So, if they do not know about my uniqueness, they will stay, which is all I want right now." Ego signed while speaking
"Do you doubt your ability to heal to such an extent that you would rather lie?" Soul never lost its patient and loving tone.
"If I tell the truth I will never heal. Never!" Ego was getting defensive with the calmness and rationale of Soul and began to push its way to the front of my mind and the tip of my tongue.
Soul gave one more loving attempt to win the battle "You will always heal! It might not be today, but it will surely come, because you are wise, brave and worthy of everything you dream and desire. This lie might prevent hurt and protect you from pain, but that is the way of the coward. The way of the one who does not have enough faith in themselves or another. If you lie, Jodene, you certainly will have no faith in the journey of life."
The debate was good and Soul almost had me swung, until ...
"The truth caused so much pain and it has taken you years to recover. Do you really want to risk it when all you have to do is tell a 'little' lie?" Whispered Ego
"No lie is little, grey or insignificant." Said Soul "Tell the truth! Say NO" it echoed from a distance
"Say YES" Said Ego in an overshadowing shout "Say YES and end this vicious cycle of disappointment"
"Be brave and say NO" The faintest voice of Soul spoke
"Do not risk it and say ..."
"YES" tumbled out of my mouth as Ego won the battle and Soul lovingly retreated into silence.
Would telling the truth have had the negative response I so dreaded? That is why I lied, is it not? To never know the answer.
I took the freedom of choice away from someone dear to me because I did not trust that they cared enough for me to respect my own choice and honour my truth. I looked to the past and did not have enough faith in the process of life or the individuality of this person to think that the response would be any different from the past. I looked to the future and did not have enough faith in myself to handle the outcome of my truth. I looked to this person sitting opposite me and threw them into the collective unconscious and assumed they would think the same as the rest. I looked at my uniqueness as shameful and dared not tell a truth that would stand me apart from the collective. A truth that I have taken years to be proud of and then allowed less than a handful of people to tarnish. I chose rather to strip myself of that pride and turning it into potential humiliation and ultimate abandonment.
I watched a program a few weeks ago with my family and was horrified at the fact that people allowed themselves to be strapped to lie detectors to be asked questions that prompted the truth, in front of their loved ones. All for money! Has truth become that distant from our realities that we are now being paid to express it? I did not watch the face of the contestant as they admitted their truths, but rather focused on the person that loved and trusted them and saw the look of sadness, humiliation or deceit fill their eyes.
In total Ego, I contacted Greg the following day and told him about this hideous series and the cowards who had to be paid for their truth. We decided weeks ago to write this newsletter on the subject and I had a story planned in my head about how easy it is to tell the truth and that only fear forces a lie.
"Only fear! ONLY FEAR" Had I heard myself?
Fear controls our every thought, our actions and our every relationship. The fear of abandonment. The fear of failure. The fear of rejection. The fear of humiliation. The fears never end.
If we fear abandonment, we do not have enough self love to trust that another will care for us and love us no matter what our truth is. When we fear failure, we strip ourselves of the drive to fight on through the obstacles and come out a winner at any cost. Fearing rejection means we have limited the world to the handful of people who stand before us with a misunderstanding that someone, somewhere is waiting for that very you and most probably suffering their own rejection while they wait for your union. The fear of humiliation stems from our lack of faith in ourselves or our beliefs, because, in having the courage to stand true in your beliefs, no one would ever have the power to belittle you. Chances are, if we always told our truth, even though the journey might be a little harder or the road to healing a little longer - chances are that we would find great, better and more spectacular things. I am only surmising, because I did not have the courage to tell that truth and will not know until another opportunity to heal through truth comes along. I will have a much clearer answer for you in the near future though, because this lie has opened the floodgates of honesty and bravery that I intend to explore despite the looming illusions of fear (I hope).
With all the work I have done along my life journey, I am not caught up in an ocean of lies and have quite a reputation of speaking my truth to my family, my students and to each of you as you read these words that fill this page. I did not, however, think that I would manifest a fear so big that no word of honesty could part my lips in the very month that I had arrogantly smirked at others for not having the courage to tell their truths. In telling you that I lost all sense of bravery and feared more than I had courage, I revel in my honesty with you. I am humbled by the realisation that, no matter the years of teaching people to live fearlessly or the personal development seminars I have given on telling yourself the truth in order to manifest, every one of us still hides behind fear of some kind and battles the war between Ego and Soul when rejection, humiliation or abandonment looms. I am certainly not saying that it is acceptable. I am, however, honestly saying that it is one of the greatest challenges we face as people - and who gives up on a challenge?
Do I regret that I lied to someone dear to me?
"Not at all. It saved me from pain." Shouts my Ego
"Of course I do, it took away an opportunity to heal and grow." Boldly states my Soul
"Well, I got what I wanted from lying as I was spared any kind of pain."
"I might have been spared it anyway if you had not feared your self worth."
"Well I guess I will never know." Chuckles my Ego
"Do I not wish I did know?"questions Soul
"Of course NOT" Yells Ego back to my unconditionally loving Soul
"Whatever" surrenders my Soul and lovingly retreats into silence
"Loser" mocks Ego and winks at Soul leaving me to think that a great battle has been won.
Watch Jodene's inspiring YouTube video 'Contemplate This' below.
If you have an inspiring tale or some interesting philosophy to share with us, please feel free to e-mail your ideas to
contributions@happycow.org.uk.
